Don't wash your dirty linen in public.

Don't wash your dirty linen in public. Haven't we learn this idiom before in school or something? Well, how do we apply this in our daily lives and most importantly of all in our relationship and marriage? Well, no matter how tempting it is to do so, how frustrated we are at our spouses, we should not air out our anger or their shortcomings in public. This is nothing but a sure way to sour a volatile relationship. It is like a point of no return when things get bad and when it is public knowledge so to speak.

Afford yourself and your spouse the dignity and even if your anger is justified, surely by talking about the matter to everyone would not have solved the problem. When you criticize your mate publicly, you not only lower the listener's estimation of your mate, you lower their opinion of you as well. So don't burn your bridges before you are at the other end. Discuss matters with an open heart with the view to resolve problems and not to win arguments.

Share a Hobby Together

Although I did a post about share a book or reading time with family or loved ones, many people are just not into reading these days. Still instead of sitting passively in front of the television, what about taking up a hobby together then? Something that you both enjoy or with the kids as well. Pursuing a mutual hobbies and interests will turn your attention away from stressful, hectic routines of everyday life and give you a chance to relax together.

What would it be? Don't be limited by just one or two choices, be adventurous and experiment. You can think of ballroom dancing, motorcycling, golfing, bird watching, hiking, start a collection of stuff, play dominoes or fishing. You have an endless possibilities and choices. The more involved one can be at each activity together, the better. There is a hobby that can suit every couple's budget, schedule and energy level. You may want to experiment with several before you find the perfect hobby for the two of you.

Pay Your Spouse a Tremendous Compliment-Pay Attention

I must admit that sometimes I get influenced by the movie world that when you love someone, you must be able to read their thoughts and vice versa. While that is not entirely erroneous, the lifeline to a good relationship is the effective manner in which we communicate with our loved ones. When we know a person well, we would have things in common and shared goals. Therefore, there is reason to believe that some kind of a known reaction can be expected from our partners.

Nevertheless, one would be in trouble if one assumes that he or she knows what their spouses are thinking or feeling every time. Therefore, it is vital that we learn to communicate well and listen carefully as well. It is not as easy nor as difficult as it sounds but there is room for improvement for even the most eloquent speakers there is. Each individual respond differently and we must not think that what is an effective way in "solving" matters at work is equally effective at home. Sometimes the opposite might apply.

Take for example that a wife might complain that her husband never spend enough time with her. He could reason that he already spent the whole day with her on weekends or the week before. While he may now think of just setting another day at his schedule or calendar, what the wife really need is some appreciation that she had for the day and some words of comfort. It may not need to be a specific solution but a listening ear. So be generous in your compliments, that goes for both the husbands and the wives and trained yourselves to listen well to the emotions between the lines.

Enrich Your Relationship Through Reading

It is really easy to lose touch with our loved ones in our busy day to day activities. One way we can rekindled some moments of having something in common or some positive vibes and topics for conversation would be to read a book together. Forget the daily paper that is filled with depressing news. You may want to try the nearest library or bookstore on an exploratory mission instead. Search until you find a book that both of you would enjoy. Reclaim the long forgotten pleasure of reading for enjoyment's sake.

You'll find almost endless possibilities as you wander through the shelves. Whether it is a 400 paged novel, some motivational publications or even a hobby based how-to manuals, there are bound to be something that will get the intellectual juices flowing again. The point is get connected and increase communication. The fresh insight, information, and inspiration the two of you can glean from just a few minutes of daily reading will expand your base of shared experiences and provide new topics of conversation as well. It is also a great idea to get the kids involved if any.

Take Time for A Stroll

I fondly remembered that during my courtship or dating to the younger folks, I used to be able to walk with my now hubby for hours. Just holding hands and walking and talking. We don't seem to get tired nor run out of things to say. Ah, but these days it is common to give excuses not to walk around such as the weather is too hot, too cold, too rainy, too dry.

Actually there are many benefits of strolling around together through the neighbourhood besides that it helps promote good health. These quality time can be used to share details of our busy day. We can get out the baby strollers or if there are kids around, have them in their in-line skates and just go for a family walk together. We can get to know and chat with the neighbours, watch the sun set or just saunter in silence. It helps too if the air is fresh and we can really enjoy the company and comfort of the sense of belonging to each other. So this evening walk is really worth the effortas it gives an opportunity to exercise your body and your relationship.

Treasure Your "Alone" Time

Humans can easily do things in an automatic state at times. For example we may go to great lengths to protect our valuables but neglect more important things like the relationships in our life. We polish our silver and wax the car, rent a safe deposit box for the diamond brooch we inherited, and insure our possessions for the full replacement value. Yet, what of the most priceless treasures that we have like our marriage? A strong marriage demands an investment of time spent together-polishing and protecting, nurturing and affirming.

Do we take our marriage for granted? Are we underestimating its value and therefore not giving it the necessary attention as we afford our material stuff? Your marriage can provide you with a lifetime of comfort, companionship and encouragement plus a strong sense of family even when the children are grown and left home. But marriage requires constant maintenance, regular one-on-one "alone" time. Don't allow the urgencies of a busy day to crowd out the care of your relationship. Don't allow anything or anyone to interfere with those precious few moments you find to spend alone together. Yes, this means phones and television off.

Hold Out Your Hand

Do we need the death of a loved one to remind us that we need and crave for a loving touch? Babies need it, children wants it and adults too can never get enough of it. Yes, the act of touching is a very useful and therapeutic action. Following the death of a spouse, many a bereaved widow laments that no one touches her anymore. Seldom if ever, do people complain that their spouse touched them too much through the years.

Begin now to build a large reservoir of "touching" memories to cherish in your golden years. Start right at the beginning of your marriage if possible to make it a habit or a point to hug and touch before retiring for the day. I mean those non sexual touches like extending of your hand across the dinner table and give your mate's hand a gentle squeeze. Intertwine your fingers as you walk down the street. The simple act of touching costs nothing and requires little effort yet pays big dividends if practiced faithfully. Your tender touch can convey love and a multitude of other positive emotions.

How to Manage Conflicts?

No matter what our communication style or family background, there are some damaging patterns of speech that must be avoided to manage conflicts effectively. For example, if we have the urge to retaliate. Retaliation only leads to anger and an escalation of the disagreement. Instead of retaliating, know that the quickest way to take the heat out of a quarrel is to acknowledge your mate's viewpoint and to apologize for your part of the conflict.

Do you minimize or belittle your spouse's feelings? Granted that not everyone sees the same situation in the same way, but if your spouse is clearly distraught about a matter, your first reaction may be to say, "You're just overreacting." You may have the intention to help your mate to see the problem from a different angle but more often than not this comment makes your spouse feel more angry than comforted. Both wives and husbands need to know that the people whom they love understand and empathize with them.

Give extra thought to how you react when your mate expresses his or her concern. Do your words, tone of voice, and facial expressions convey empathy? Or do you tend to quickly dismiss your mate's feelings?

Do you often assume that your partner's motives are selfish? For instance, if your mate does something nice for you, do you wonder what he or she wants or is covering up? If your mate makes a mistake, do you view this failing as confirmation that he or she is selfish and uncaring? Do you immediately recall similar mistakes from the past and add this one to the list? Can you try this out instead? Make a list of the positive things that your mate has done for you and the good motives that could have prompted these actions.

Managing Conflicts

To err is humane. So if a couple argue, does this mean that they no longer love each other? The answer is no. Even in the best of marriages, there will occasionally be some conflict. Although most married couples want to treat each other in a loving and kind manner, we are imperfect and will make mistakes. So when disagreements arise, emotions may be difficult to control. Once an argument starts, some may find it a real challenge to curb bad habits such as screaming and abusive speech.

Sometimes factors such as different communication styles between the male and female can be the cause of such contention where one wants to discuss a problem in detail but the other are just interested in the end result. Another factor could be the family background in which one was raised up in. Some families are quiet and finds confrontation difficult and uncomfortable whereas there are folks that are very expressive and they have no problems letting others know how they feel.

Interestingly researchers have found that the most reliable indicator of how happy a marriage will be is not how often the couple say they love each other. Sexual compatibility and financial security are not the most important factors either. Instead, the most dependable indicator of marital success is how well husband and wife manage any conflicts that arise.

How Can You Help the Elderly?

What do you do when your loved ones have reached The Golden Years? How do you view old age? What are some of the challenges that the elderly face? Is mental decline inevitable in old age? Should we send our loved ones to care homes and is that a wise choice? What can be done to promote peace of mind in the golden years?

Some of the challenges that the elderly faced are the fear of losing their mental faculties, depression, feeling lost and confused, feeling that they have been left behind in our modern fast-paced world, and feeling useless.

However, there are some good guidelines on how the elderly can overcome these challenges. Some problems may be treatable through appropriate medical treatment. Others had to look into their diet to determine if malnutrition could be the caused of some of the symptoms of memory loss or confusion. Engaging in productive activity can fill many fundamental needs of the older ones. It provides a sense of meaning and may even provide some income. Older adults who have limitations but are generous with their experience and resources are precious assets in their communities.

Nevertheless, some may faced the difficult decision of sending their loved ones to nursing homes for the elderly because they are not in a position to care for their aged parents, many of whom may be severely afflicted with Alzheimer’s disease or bedridden with some other debilitating malady that requires special round-the-clock care. In such cases nursing homes may be the only places capable of meeting these special needs. If a nursing home becomes needed for adequate care, the family should seek out one that is clean and staffed by kindly and competent care-givers. Feel free to share your thoughts and concerns at the forum with care homes.

Killing Me Softly

Not sure why I am starting this post with Roberta Flack's Killing Me Softly. Perhaps what I am going to write next is sentimental and mushy.

I was 16 and he was 17. Just like any other teenager, I wanted to know how it feels like to have someone special. I guess I was not really ready for any long term relationship at that time. The supposedly whirlwind of a romance only lasted less than a year. He wanted to get physical too fast and too soon and I am just not ready for THAT kind of a relationship.

I have to admit that I was the one who call the relationship off as I was not feeling comfortable anymore with his advances. How did he take the break up? Not good, I would say. He called me at unearthly hours drunk, it seems according to his friends! Surely there is a more amiable way to do this? If only I had known about writing a dear john letter then, things might not have gotten so messy.

I didn't get back into another relationship after that. My next relationship resulted in a happy marriage of 12 years and counting. Perhaps I should change the title of this post to Killing HIM Softly? I am not being mean nor funny here, just musing. At 16 and 17, I think we can both get over such episodes in life wiser and more mature. Enjoy the song...

Young dating-Harmful?

Many youths feel that even when they spent a lot of time with someone of the opposite sex, they do not consider it dating. They feel that they are "just friends". But whatever you call it—dating, going together, or just seeing each other—when a boy and a girl single each other out and start spending time together socially, more than friendship is usually involved. And dating does not have to be in person. Discussions in Internet chat rooms, on the telephone, through the mail, or by E-mail can also be forms of dating.

The question is, Just how serious is it to spend time almost exclusively with someone of the opposite sex?

When we spend a lot of time with a certain member of the opposite sex, naturally our feelings and emotions would be aroused. Before you realize it, you look forward to seeing that one. When you are not together, you find yourself thinking about him or her. All too often, though, the feelings are one-sided—and someone gets a broken heart. And even when the feelings are mutual, frustration and heartbreak still result when one or the other is not mature enough or old enough to get married. Really, where can such a relationship go? ? A Bible proverb says: “Can a man rake together fire into his bosom and yet his very garments not be burned?”—Proverbs 6:27.

In today’s world, dating is often a prelude to sexual relations. It may begin innocently, just by holding hands. A quick hug and a kiss on the cheek may be next. It is one thing for two young adults who have made a serious commitment to each other to make such expressions of affection. But when two people are too young to get married, such behavior does little more than needlessly inflame sexual desire. Acts of “affection” can become increasingly inappropriate or unclean. They can even lead to some form of fornication.

The fruits of fornication are bitter. Some who engage in it contract sexually transmitted diseases. Others suffer a loss of self-esteem and damage their conscience. Some young girls find themselves pregnant. No wonder that the Bible gives this command: “Flee from fornication”! (1 Corinthians 6:13, 18; 1 Thessalonians 4:3) Avoiding premature dating will help you to heed this command.

*Photo courtesy of morguefile

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Humour in your Life

It was a cold winter day, and the steps were covered with ice. The first one who attempted the descent nearly fell. The next one in line announced: “Now this is the way to do it!” No sooner were the words out of his mouth than down he went—flat on his back. An instant of alarmed silence, then bursts of laughter from bystanders after seeing that he was unhurt.

The ability to laugh is a God-given trait, a gift from the One described in the Bible as “the happy God.” Not surprisingly, then, creation is full of humorous things—kittens and puppies with absurd antics, a lion cub chewing on its mother’s tail until it gets swatted, baby monkeys chasing and tumbling over one another through the branches.

There is humor all around us, waiting to be observed and appreciated. This is not to say that all people laugh at the same things. On the contrary, what is funny often depends on one’s culture, personality, background, and mood, as well as other factors. Virtually everyone, though, will respond with laughter to something—a funny story, a pleasant surprise, a joke, a clever play on words.

What purpose does humor serve? At the very least, it is a means of better relating to others. One comment called laughter “the shortest distance between two people.” Indeed, some believe that humor can be used as a barometer of marital compatibility. A study on humor found that couples who agree on what’s funny are more prone to like, love, and want to marry each other than those whose humor preferences are less alike. Why? Because humor is indicative of many things: values, interests, preoccupations, intelligence, imagination, and needs. A 1985 survey of a thousand U.S. corporations revealed that “people with a sense of humor tend to be more creative, less rigid and more willing to consider and embrace new ideas and methods.” Go out there and set your creative cells working by laughing more, folks!

Some researchers believe that humor may result from the release of pent-up emotional energy. Humor may serve to mask tension and pain. Says the Bible: “Even in laughter the heart may be in pain; and grief is what rejoicing ends up in.”—Proverbs 14:13. Many forms of humor involve what is called slapstick. A man trips or gets doused with water. Funny, isn’t it? Perhaps, if nobody really gets hurt. A Christian takes pains not to cultivate an appetite for sick or sadistic humor. After all, love “does not rejoice over unrighteousness.” (1 Corinthians 13:6) A Christian also avoids tasteless jokes that put down any nationality or race. He tempers his sense of humor with “fellow feeling.” (1 Peter 3:8) For example, it may be delightfully amusing to watch a toddler take a few tentative steps and then collapse in a heap. But if an elderly or disabled person falls, the appropriate response is to rush to his assistance, not to laugh.

Humor and Your Health

Properly used, humor has much value. In fact, evidence is slowly accumulating that laughter may even serve as a therapeutic tool. It is known that the act of laughing gives a healthy massage to one’s internal organs. Furthermore, according to American Health magazine, some “researchers think laughter may empower the immune system.” The magazine then quotes immunologist Lee S. Berk as saying: “Negative emotions can manipulate the immune system, and it now seems positive ones can do something similar.” This underscores the wisdom of the Bible’s words: “A heart that is joyful does good as a curer.”—Proverbs 17:22. In hopes of utilizing the healing power of humor, some hospitals have set up so-called laughter rooms in which patients can play games, watch funny movies, listen to jokes, or simply visit with relatives in a more cheerful atmosphere. Can you put humor to work yourself? Say you have a sick friend or relative in the hospital. Why not brighten that ailing one’s outlook by giving him or her a humorous book or funny card where that would be appropriate?

Laughter can also mitigate anger. Dr. R. B. Williams, Jr., says: “Being angry is bad for your health.” Similarly, the Bible says: “A calm heart is the life of the fleshly organism, but jealousy is rottenness to the bones.” (Proverbs 14:30) Dr. Williams notes: “It’s hard to stay angry when you’re laughing.” Yes, seeing the humor in a situation is one of the most constructive ways of handling anger.

Poet Langston Hughes once wrote: “Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air, and you.” Truly, humor can play an important part in our lives. It can keep us from taking ourselves too seriously. It can help us stay cheerful and relaxed. It can smooth out relations with others. It can help us cope with adversity. It can even improve our health. So put humor into your life. Discover it. Nurture it. Cultivate it. It’s bound to do wonders for you and those around you!


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Japanese Dolls to curb loneliness?

For grandparents who live far away from their grandchildren and seldom get to see them, a Tokyo firm has a solution: Send the firm a picture of the baby, and in six weeks you will receive a look-alike doll. “Only it doesn’t end there,” reports New Scientist. “A digital microchip recorder inside the doll records the baby’s early gurgles, so it even sounds like your baby. Simply hold the doll’s hand and it will play back the baby’s voice—or whatever else you record. According to The Nikkei Weekly, the $400 doll is mostly ordered by grandparents who rarely see their offspring’s offspring.”

Moods

Friend: Take care. Take some rest.

Me: I don't want rest.
I feel restless.
I want to swim.
But no transport to go to the swimming pool.
I want to cycle but no bicycle.
I want to learn kite flying but no kite even!

I want to be active instead of sitting at home in front of computer.
I feel a little trapped.
Is this my depression talking...???
I don't know.

Alternative Life-Styles—Does God Approve?

“WHEN will I know my sexual preference?” So wrote a 13-year-old girl to a teenage advice column. Her question echoes the attitude of many who feel that people are free to pursue any sexual life-style they choose.

Some people may genuinely struggle with confusion regarding their sexual feelings. Others openly embrace alternative life-styles such as homosexuality. Still others boldly act and dress as one of the opposite sex. Some undergo sex-change operations. There are even individuals who argue that adults should be allowed to have carnal relations with children.

Are sexual practices and gender really a matter of personal choice? What does God’s Word have to say on these issues?

“Male and Female He Created Them”

According to the Bible book of Genesis, God himself created the differences between males and females. The record states: “God proceeded to create the man in his image . . . Male and female he created them. Further, God blessed them and God said to them: ‘Be fruitful and become many and fill the earth and subdue it.’—Genesis 1:27, 28.

God created humans with free will and provided opportunities for them to enjoy their freedom. (Psalm 115:16) Entrusted with the responsibility of caring for all other living things on earth, man was even allowed to choose appropriate names for them. (Genesis 2:19) However, when it came to issues of sexuality, God gave specific guidelines.—Genesis 2:24.

Because of Adam’s disobedience, we have all inherited imperfection. We must therefore battle fleshly weaknesses and strong desires that are out of harmony with God’s original purpose. Thus, in the laws given through Moses, God specified sexual practices that were abhorrent to him—namely, adultery, incest, homosexuality, and bestiality. (Leviticus 18:6-23) God also specifically forbade portraying oneself as a member of the opposite sex for immoral purposes. (Deuteronomy 22:5) The Bible consistently teaches that the only sexual relations approved by God are with a member of the opposite sex within the marriage arrangement. (Genesis 20:1-5, 14; 39:7-9; Proverbs 5:15-19; Hebrews 13:4) Are such standards reasonable?

Who Chooses?

The Bible likens man’s position before his Creator to clay in the hands of a potter. It says: “O man, who, then, really are you to be answering back to God? Shall the thing molded say to him that molded it, ‘Why did you make me this way?’” (Romans 9:20) It is obvious from the way God made men and women that it is natural for them to be sexually attracted to one another. Sexual attraction to a member of the same sex, to an animal, or to a child is therefore unnatural.—Romans 1:26, 27, 32.

For this reason, people who pursue such unnatural sexual inclinations find themselves contending with God. The Bible contains this warning: “Woe to the one that has contended with his Former, as an earthenware fragment with the other earthenware fragments of the ground! Should the clay say to its former: ‘What do you make?’” (Isaiah 45:9) Surely it is reasonable for the Maker of humans to give direction on sexual matters. Is it not also reasonable that humans should follow such direction?

Getting Possession of One’s Own Vessel

The Bible writer Paul used a similar illustration when giving guidance to Christians on sexual behavior. He said: “Each one of you should know how to get possession of his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in covetous sexual appetite.” (1 Thessalonians 4:4, 5) Paul compares a person’s body to a vessel. Getting possession of that vessel means bringing one’s thoughts and desires into harmony with God’s moral laws.

Admittedly, this may not be easy. One who has experienced childhood sexual abuse, one who had parents or other caretakers who provided a distorted example of masculinity or femininity, or one who had exposure to pornography at an early age may understandably have difficulties. Genetic, hormonal, and psychological factors may also play a role in distorting sexual feelings. It is comforting to know, however, that our Creator can provide help and support to those who need it.—Psalm 33:20; Hebrews 4:16.

Allow the Great Potter to Mold You

A piece of clay has to be centered on the potter’s wheel before the potter can begin to mold and shape it. Then, as the wheel rotates, the potter skillfully applies gentle pressure with his fingers to work the clay into a desirable shape. Before we can be molded into a desirable person in God’s eyes, we need to be centered on the timeless principles and laws of God. Once we start making the effort, God lovingly applies gentle pressure through the Bible, his holy spirit, and the Christian brotherhood. A person then begins to feel and experience God’s personal care in his life.

Of course, we must develop confidence in the Creator’s wisdom, trusting that he knows what is best for us. This trust is developed through prayer and an earnest study of the Bible. A person who approaches the issue of improper sexual feelings with that frame of mind becomes moldable in the hands of the Creator. First Peter 5:6, 7 says: “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time; while you throw all your anxiety upon him, because he cares for you.”

Regularly reading the Bible acquaints us with a long line of faithful servants of God who contended with fleshly desires but never gave up. How encouraging these examples are! We can sense the frustration the apostle Paul felt with himself at times when he exclaimed: “Miserable man that I am! Who will rescue me from the body undergoing this death?” Yet, he also directed us to the main source of help when he answered his own question: “Thanks to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!”—Romans 7:24, 25.

A Force for Change

We can also avail ourselves of God’s holy spirit. This is a powerful force for change. Holy spirit helps us to “put away the old personality” and “put on the new personality which was created according to God’s will in true righteousness and loyalty.” (Ephesians 4:22-24) Our loving heavenly Father never fails to respond when sincere requests are made for holy spirit to assist with making this change. Jesus assures us that the Father will “give holy spirit to those asking him.” (Luke 11:13) Persistence in prayer is necessary, though, as indicated by his words: “Keep on asking, and it will be given you.” (Matthew 7:7) This would be especially true when bringing powerful sexual desires under control.

God also helps us by means of the true Christian brotherhood, which is made up of people from all backgrounds. Some Christians in the first-century congregation at Corinth were previously in the category of “men kept for unnatural purposes” and “men who lie with men.” Yet, they changed. The blood of Christ cleansed them, and they became acceptable in God’s sight. (1 Corinthians 6:9-11) Some today need to make similar changes. And such ones can receive support in their fight against wrong desires from the Christian congregation.

Does this mean that becoming a Christian will automatically cure a person of all deviant desires or confusion over gender? Not necessarily. Persistent application of Bible principles has enabled some to live normal lives. Even so, these Christians often have had to wage a day-to-day struggle against wrong desires. Such ones thus serve God despite having a figurative “thorn in the flesh.” (2 Corinthians 12:7) As long as they continue to battle wrong inclinations and maintain righteous conduct, God views them as faithful servants and as clean in his eyes. They can look forward to the time in the future when all mankind “will be set free from enslavement to corruption and have the glorious freedom of the children of God.”—Romans 8:21.

In the meantime, all those who wish to please God must adhere to his righteous standards. True Christians choose to serve God—not follow their own selfish inclinations. Those who humbly submit to God’s will in all areas of life will be rewarded with eternal joy and happiness.—Psalm 128:1; John 17:3.

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How Can I Make Myself More Attractive?

“It was not easy or comfortable to keep up a conversation with girls. I had no idea of what they were thinking, how they felt, or how they looked at things.”—Tyler.

WHAT qualities do girls like best in boys? “Confidence,” says a teenager named Emily. Robyn, another teen, puts being funny at the top of her list. And what do boys most value in girls? Not surprisingly, one survey showed that good looks topped their list. Similar interests and values were listed sixth.

Articles and surveys that discuss boy/girl relationships are popular fare in youth-oriented magazines. Clearly, many young people think a lot about—or perhaps even worry about—how the opposite sex views them. Maybe you even worry about that yourself sometimes. Not that you’re ready to get married anytime soon. It’s just that no one wants to be unattractive or undesirable! Tyler observes: “When you’re a teenager, you want to be attractive to everyone. You want to be acceptable to your peers, male and female.” Also, you may feel that someday you want to find a good marriage mate. When that time comes, naturally you will want to be able to attract such a person.

However, as a Christian youth, you may not have had a lot of experience in dealing with the opposite sex. Add to that the pressure you may feel from your peers to be physically attractive. With the parade of supermodels and muscle-bound actors you see on TV and in magazines, it’s no wonder that you may feel insecure and inadequate! What, then, does it take to be appealing to others—including those of the opposite sex—in a healthy, positive way?

The Folly of Hoping for the “Perfect” Body

Clinical psychologist William S. Pollack observes that under the influence of the entertainment industry, many young people “are spending countless hours dieting, pumping iron, and doing aerobic exercise, all in an effort to transform the size and shape of their bodies.” Some are even going to dangerous extremes, such as virtually starving themselves, in order to achieve that “perfect” body. Yet, says the Social Issues Research Centre: “The current media ideal for women is achievable by less than 5% of the female population—and that’s just in terms of weight and size. If you want the ideal shape, face etc., it’s probably more like 1%.”

The Bible’s advice at Romans 12:2 is thus practical: “Don’t let the world around you squeeze you into its own mould.” (Phillips) This doesn’t mean, though, that you should be oblivious to how you look. It only makes sense to take care of your body through moderate exercise and a balanced diet. (Romans 12:1; 1 Timothy 4:8) Proper rest and sleep can also help you to look and feel your best. At the same time, give attention to your hygiene and personal grooming. A British youth named David observes: “There is a girl who is quite attractive, but she has an odor problem. People avoid her because of this.” So bathe often. Clean hands, hair, and fingernails can enhance your appearance. Reasonable attention to your appearance can boost your self-confidence. A youth named Paul puts it this way: “You might not have the greatest looks, but you can work with what you’ve got.”

Inner Qualities

While a pleasant face and physique may attract attention, in the long run “beauty is a bubble.” (Proverbs 31:30, Byington) Good looks tend to be short-lived, and they are certainly no substitute for attractive personal qualities. (Proverbs 11:22) Remember, too, that “mere man sees what appears to the eyes; but as for Jehovah, he sees what the heart is.” (1 Samuel 16:7) So instead of focusing all your attention on your waistline or your biceps, work on adorning yourself with “the secret person of the heart in the incorruptible apparel of the quiet and mild spirit, which is of great value in the eyes of God.” (1 Peter 3:3, 4; Ephesians 4:24) True, in today’s world many youths may have little regard for admirable personality traits—much less for spiritual qualities. But those who have godly values do appreciate them and find them attractive!

Jesus did say: “You must love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 19:19) If you have positive feelings about yourself, you will be less likely to be clumsy and awkward around others. However, while it is necessary to have some measure of self-respect, don’t go to an extreme. “I tell everyone there among you,” said the apostle Paul, “not to think more of himself than it is necessary to think.”—Romans 12:3.

Take a hard look, too, at your manners and social skills. A British girl named Lydia observes: “There is a boy in my school who is quite popular with a lot of girls. But after they get to know him, they don’t like him because he is rude and tactless.” People are attracted to someone who uses kind, tactful speech and who shows consideration for others. (Ephesians 4:29, 32; 5:3, 4) “A welcoming set of manners is like a passport, allowing freedom and access to people,” observes Dr. T. Berry Brazelton. Manners “are essential to gaining the acceptance of others.”

Customs and rules of etiquette vary around the world. So you may want to observe how mature Christian men and women treat one another. For example, is it customary in your country for a man to hold a door open for a woman? Then learning to extend this courtesy will enhance your reputation as a poised, mannerly person.

Finally, you may find it helpful to cultivate a balanced sense of humor. The Bible says that there is “a time to laugh,” and a person who has a sense of humor often makes friends easily.—Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4.

Friendly Versus Flirtatious

One self-proclaimed “guide to dating success” advised that the secret to attracting the opposite sex is to flirt. Readers were told to practice smiling and making eye contact and to perfect ‘opening lines.’ Such advice goes contrary to the spirit of Paul’s counsel to Timothy to treat members of the opposite sex “with all chasteness.”—1 Timothy 5:2.

Although flirting may build one’s own ego, it is insincere and dishonest. You don’t have to flirt or be coy to carry on an interesting conversation. Nor do you have to ask embarrassing or inappropriate questions to learn how the opposite sex feels and thinks. Stick to talking about things that are ‘righteous, chaste, and lovable,’ and you will show that you are well on the way to developing into a mature, spiritually-minded man or woman. (Philippians 4:8) Your obedience to godly principles will make you attractive not only to the opposite sex but to God himself.—Proverbs 1:7-9.

(Word Count 1109)

How Can I Carry On a Long-Distance Courtship?

THE world has become a smaller place. In recent decades the development of low-cost air travel, a globally linked telephone network, speedy mail delivery, and the Internet has opened up new possibilities in the realm of romance. And in many ways the idea of carrying on a long-distance courtship across hundreds or even thousands of miles might seem appealing—especially if marital prospects at home seem limited.

For some couples, long-distance courtship has proved to be a blessing. “We’ve been happily married for 16 years,” says Tony. Some may even argue that long-distance courtship has the advantage of allowing couples to get to know each other without the blinding power of physical attraction. Whatever its advantages, though, a long-distance romance presents some unique challenges.

Getting to Know Each Other

It is best to know as much as you can about someone you are thinking of marrying. However, as a husband named Frank says from personal experience, “it is not easy to get to know the real person, ‘the secret person of the heart.’” (1 Peter 3:4) Doug, another Christian who dated long-distance, admits: “Looking back, I realize that we didn’t know each other very well.”

Is it really possible to get to know someone who lives hundreds or thousands of miles away? Yes, but it can take extraordinary effort. “We had no money for phone calls, so we wrote letters once a week,” says Doug. Joanne and Frank, however, found letter writing to be inadequate. “We wrote letters at first and tried the phone,” says Joanne. “Then Frank sent me a small tape recorder. We would record a new tape each week.”

Honesty, the Only Way

Whatever form of communication you use, it’s important to be honest. “If you lie, it will come out afterward and affect the relationship,” observes a Christian wife named Ester. “Be honest with each other. Be honest with yourself. If there’s something you don’t agree on, don’t let it go. Discuss it.” The apostle Paul gives good advice: “Speak truth each one of you with his neighbor.”—Ephesians 4:25; compare Hebrews 13:18.

What are some issues that you should be sure to discuss? All courting couples need to discuss such subjects as goals, children, financial matters, and health. However, there are matters that may require particular attention. For example, one—or both—of you will have to move if you marry. Are you willing and able to do so, mentally and emotionally? How do you know? Have you moved before or been away from your family for extended periods? Joanne’s future husband wanted both of them to serve as volunteer workers at the headquarters of the Watch Tower Society, the publishers of this magazine. “He asked me if I could live in a small room, with little money,” recalls Joanne. “We had to talk it out.”

If the courtship involves someone from another land, are you willing to adapt to another culture? “Do you already enjoy each other’s culture on a day-to-day basis?” Frank asks. “Talk about these big issues early in your relationship. The sooner you find out, the better—before you have too much invested emotionally or financially.” Yes, living day by day in another culture is different from being a tourist for a few days. Will you need to learn another language? Will you be able to adjust to big differences in living conditions? On the other hand, could it be that you are enthralled with the culture and perhaps not so much with the person? Such fascination will likely wear off in time. But marriage yokes two people together permanently.—Matthew 19:6.

Tony explains: “A girl I know from another part of the world married someone from the Caribbean. But she found island life difficult. It was always hot, and she got sick. The food was different, and she missed her family. So they tried living in her home country. But he felt that the life-style there was too materialistic, and he missed the closeness he used to enjoy among family and neighbors. Now they are separated; he is living in his homeland, and she in hers. Their two children miss having the love and attention of both parents.”

Marrying a person who is from a long distance away, perhaps another culture, presents other challenges. Are you prepared for the added expense of travel and communication? Lydia recalls: “Phil used to joke that we had to get married because his phone bills were so high, but now we have to pay for my phone calls to my mother!” What if children come along? Some grow up knowing little about their own relatives, unable even to talk to them on the phone because of language differences! This is not to say that such problems are insurmountable. But one should calculate the expense of entering into such a marriage.—Compare Luke 14:28.

What Is He (or She) Really Like?

How can you tell if your friend is really being open and candid? “Every good tree produces fine fruit,” states Matthew 7:17. So what are his works? Do his actions back up what he says? Does his past support his professed goals for the future? “The first things we found out about each other were our spiritual goals,” explains Ester. “He had been serving as a full-time evangelizer for eight years, and that gave me confidence that he was truthful about wanting to continue.”

But suppose the person you are courting seems evasive. Don’t drop the matter and just hope for the best. Probe deeper! Ask WHY? A proverb says: “Counsel in the heart of a man is as deep waters, but the man of discernment is one that will draw it up.” (Proverbs 20:5) “Anyone inexperienced puts faith in every word, but the shrewd one considers his steps,” warns another proverb.—Proverbs 14:15.

Face-to-Face

Still, you can learn only so much about a person by letter or phone. Interestingly, the apostle John wrote a number of letters to his Christian brothers. While these letters did much to strengthen the bond of affection between them, John said: “Although I have many things to write you, I do not desire to do so with paper and ink, but I am hoping to come to you and to speak with you face to face.” (2 John 12) Similarly, nothing beats spending time with someone in person. It might even be practical for one of you to make a temporary move so that you can be closer to each other. This will also allow the one who moves to experience the climate and living conditions of what might become his or her new home.

How can you make the most of your time together? Do things that reveal each other’s qualities. Study God’s Word together. Observe each other participating at congregation meetings and in the ministry. Do regular household chores together, such as cleaning and shopping. Seeing how the other person behaves under the stress of a busy schedule can be very enlightening.

Time should also be spent with potential in-laws. Seek to build a good relationship with them. After all, if you two marry, they will become your family. Do you know them? Do you get along? Joanne advises: “If at all possible, it is good for both families to meet.” Tony further observes: “The way your friend treats his or her own family is the way he or she will treat you.”

Whether courting face-to-face or by phone and letter, avoid being hasty in your decisions. (Proverbs 21:5) If it becomes apparent that a marriage between the two of you simply would not work, then it would be the course of wisdom to discuss breaking off the courtship. (Proverbs 22:3) On the other hand, it may simply be that more time is needed for open, honest communication.

Long-distance courtship can be difficult, but it can also be rewarding. In any event, it is serious business. Take your time. Get to know each other. Then, if you do decide to marry, your courtship will be a time you treasure, not regret.


(Word Count 1338)

Why Am I Drawn to the Wrong People?

“I knew that I shouldn’t get too familiar with him, but it was something that I allowed. I couldn’t believe that a man would want to spend time with me.”—Nancy.*

“I would go to the skating rink by myself, and before long I started associating regularly with the ‘friends’ I made there. Pretty soon, I was living an immoral lifestyle.”—Dan.

BOTH Nancy and Dan had a strong spiritual start in life. Nancy was raised in a God-fearing family and began sharing her faith with others at nine years of age. Dan entered the full-time ministry as a teenager. Yet, both had serious setbacks in their spiritual life. Why? They associated with the wrong people.

Have you ever found yourself unexpectedly drawn to someone whom you knew, deep down, to be a bad influence on you? The individual might have been a classmate with whom you shared common interests—or even someone of the opposite sex to whom you felt romantically attracted.

Likely you called to mind the Bible’s counsel: “Bad associations spoil useful habits.” (1 Corinthians 15:33) But are all people who do not worship Jehovah bad association? What if they have some likable, even admirable, qualities? Then, too, what of a person who is a fellow believer yet is setting a poor spiritual example? Before answering these questions, let us consider how and why such attractions may occur.

What Is Behind the Attraction?

Since all humans are made in God’s image, it can be expected that some who do not know Jehovah will manifest fine qualities. As a result, you may find some people to be respectable, even likable, although they do not worship the true God. Should you completely shun such ones simply because they are not acquainted with Bible truths? By no means. When the Bible counsels us to “work what is good toward all,” that includes those who do not share your Christian beliefs. (Galatians 6:10) So being careful about choosing your close associates does not mean that you should act as if you were superior to others. (Proverbs 8:13; Galatians 6:3) Such conduct would reflect poorly on your Christian beliefs.

Some Christian youths, however, have gone further than being pleasant; they have formed close bonds with individuals who have little or no interest in spiritual things. Dan, mentioned earlier, had become a very good roller skater. The people he began to associate with regularly at the local rink were not Christians. Eventually, Dan joined his new “friends” in engaging in immoral conduct and experimenting with drugs. Realizing that his lifestyle was no longer compatible with Christianity, Dan abandoned his ministry and stopped attending congregation meetings. It was several years before he gathered the strength to make the necessary changes to return to true worship.

Melanie was drawn to a fellow believer who was not faring well spiritually. “I was told she needed some encouragement, so I started to associate with her,” Melanie explained. Of course, the Bible encourages Christians to “support the weak.” (1 Thessalonians 5:14) But Melanie began joining her new friend at bars, where further associations led her into reproachful conduct.

The Role of Family

Family dynamics can be a factor in your forming attractions. Michelle wondered why she always seemed to be attracted to boys who were emotionally distant and uncaring. She concluded that they reminded her of her father, to whom she never felt close and who never seemed to have time for her. She believes that she had become so accustomed to seeking approval and attention from an unavailable man that she unwittingly felt drawn to such relationships.

By contrast, a young person raised by Christian parents may be curious about how others live, feeling that his or her parents have been overly protective. Whether that is the case or not, is trying to compensate by associating with ‘friends of the world’ the answer? (James 4:4) Consider what happened to Bill.

Although from an early age he was taught the Scriptures by his mother, Bill chose not to dedicate his life to Jehovah, feeling that doing so would restrict his freedom. Wanting to find out for himself what life was like away from true Christianity, he began associating with a gang that led him into a life of drugs, violence, and crime. As a result of a high-speed chase with the police in pursuit, he was injured and spent months in a coma. The doctors felt it likely that he would not live. Happily, Bill recovered. But he is blind and disabled. He learned from hard experience and is now a dedicated Christian. But Bill has also come to realize that learning the hard way can have lifelong consequences.

Other Influences

Sometimes the entertainment media influence a youth’s ideas about what an ideal friend is. For instance, it is not uncommon for books, television programs, movies, and music videos to depict a hero who appears harsh or jaded at first but who is later revealed to have more compassionate qualities at heart. The impression given is that people who appear callous and self-centered are, in fact, likely to be sensitive and caring. Further, the idea may be conveyed that a good friend, often one of the opposite sex, is just what is needed to bring these finer qualities to the surface. Granted, the concept sells stories. How often, though, do you think this romantic fantasy proves true in real life? Sadly, some youths have fallen for such unwholesome fantasies and befriended—even married—a selfish, violent, person and then waited in vain for the “transformation” into a sensitive soul.

The media can influence our concept of an ideal friend

Consider one more reason why some become attracted to the wrong people: They consider themselves undesirable and therefore settle for almost anyone who seems attracted to them. Nancy, mentioned previously, knew what the Bible says about marrying “only in the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 7:39) Yet, she had always considered herself unattractive and was therefore flattered when a workmate who did not share her faith showed a romantic interest in her. She started going out with him and came perilously close to committing sexual immorality.

As the foregoing experiences show, there are numerous reasons why a young Christian may feel drawn to people who are a bad influence—and there seem to be just as many ways to rationalize forming close friendships with such ones. Still, friendships of that kind inescapably yield distressing, even disastrous, results. Why?

The Power of Friendship

The fact is, you become like your friends. In this way those with whom we spend our time exert great power and influence over us. Proverbs 13:20 shows that this power can be for good or for bad: “He that is walking with wise persons will become wise, but he that is having dealings with the stupid ones will fare badly.” Close friends, like two people riding in the same car, inevitably head in the same direction and arrive at the same destination. So ask yourself: ‘Does the road my friend is on lead where I want to go? Will it take me closer to my spiritual goals and aspirations?’

Granted, making an honest assessment can be difficult. Strong feelings may be involved. But are feelings alone a reliable guide in the selection of friends? You may have heard the oft repeated advice, “Follow your heart.” But Proverbs 28:26 states: “He that is trusting in his own heart is stupid.” Why? Because “the heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate.” (Jeremiah 17:9; Numbers 15:39) To be treacherous is to be disloyal or false or to be a double-crosser. Would you trust a person who is known as a deceiver and a traitor? Our figurative heart can be devious. Thus, a relationship is not necessarily healthy just because it feels right.

A far more reliable guide is God’s Word. Unlike your imperfect heart, Bible principles will never betray you or let you down. How can Bible principles help you determine whether someone is likely to prove to be a wholesome friend? And how can you avoid making a destructive choice in choosing a lifetime friend—a marriage mate? These questions will be considered in a future article.

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* Names have been changed.

Depression

MOOD disorders are alarmingly common. It is estimated, for example, that more than 330 million people worldwide suffer from serious depression, a condition characterized by overwhelming sadness and a loss of pleasure in everyday activities. It has been estimated that in 20 years, depression will be outranked only by cardiovascular disease. Little wonder that it has been called "the common cold of mental illness."

In recent years bipolar disorder has received greater public attention. Traits of this illness include severe mood swings that vacillate between depression and mania. "During the depressed phase," says a recent book published by the American Medical Association, "you may be haunted by thoughts of suicide. During the manic phase of your illness, your good judgment may evaporate and you may not be able to see the harm of your actions."

Bipolar disorder may affect 2 percent of the population in the United States, meaning that there are millions of sufferers in that country alone. Sheer numbers, though, cannot describe the tormenting experience of living with a mood disorder.

Depression—Overwhelming Sadness

Most of us know what it is like to experience a wave of sadness. In time—perhaps in just a matter of hours or days—the feeling subsides. Clinical depression, however, is far more serious. In what way? "Those of us who are not depressed know that the rides our emotions take us on eventually end," explains Dr. Mitch Golant, "but the depressed individual experiences the ups and downs, twists and turns of his feelings as if on a runaway train without a clear sense of how or when—or even if—he can ever get off."

Clinical depression can take many forms. Some people, for example, have what is called seasonal affective disorder (SAD), which manifests itself during a particular time of year—usually winter. "People with SAD report that their depressions worsen the farther north they live and the more overcast the weather," says a book published by the People's Medical Society. "While SAD has been linked mainly to dark winter days, in some cases it's been associated with dark indoor work spaces, unseasonable cloudy spells and vision difficulties."

What causes clinical depression? The answer is not clear. While in some cases there seems to be a genetic link, in most instances life experiences appear to play an important role. It has also been noted that it is diagnosed in twice as many women as men.* But this does not mean that men are unaffected. On the contrary, it is estimated that between 5 and 12 percent of men will become clinically depressed at some point in life.

When this type of depression strikes, it is all-pervasive and affects virtually every aspect of one's life. It "shakes you to the core," says a sufferer named Sheila, "corroding your confidence, self-esteem, your ability to think straight and make decisions, and then when it reaches deep enough, it gives a few hard squeezes just to see if you can hold on."

There are times when a sufferer can gain much relief by talking out his or her feelings with an empathetic listener. (Job 10:1) Even so, it must be acknowledged that when biochemical factors are involved, depression cannot simply be willed away with a positive outlook. Really, in such a case, the dark moods of this illness are beyond the sufferer's control. Furthermore, the sufferer may be as baffled by the condition as family members and friends are.

Consider Paula,^# a Christian who endured crippling episodes of intense sadness before her depression was diagnosed. "Sometimes after Christian meetings," she says, "I would rush out to my car and weep, for no reason at all. I just had this overwhelming sense of loneliness and pain. Although all the evidence showed that I had many friends who cared for me, I was blind to it."

Something similar happened to Ellen, whose depression required that she be hospitalized. "I have two sons, two lovely daughters-in-law, and a husband—all of whom I know love me very much," she says. Logic, it seems, would tell Ellen that life is good and that she is precious to her family. But on the battlefield of depression, dark thoughts—no matter how irrational—can overwhelm the sufferer.

Not to be overlooked is the significant impact that one person's depression can have on the rest of the family. "When someone you love is depressed," writes Dr. Golant, "you may live with a chronic sense of uncertainty, never really knowing when your loved one will recover from a depressive episode or fall into a new one. You can feel profound loss—even grief and anger—that life has deviated, maybe permanently, from the norm."

Often, children can detect a parent's depression. "A depressed mother's child becomes highly attuned to his mother's emotional states, carefully observing every nuance and change," writes Dr. Golant. Dr. Carol Watkins notes that children of a depressed parent are "more likely to have behavioral problems, learning difficulties, and peer problems. They are more likely to become depressed themselves."

Symptoms of Major Depression

• A depressed mood, most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks
• Loss of interest in once pleasurable activities
• Significant weight loss or gain
• Excessive sleep or the opposite, insomnia
• An abnormal speeding or slowing of motor skills
• Excessive fatigue, with no discernible cause
• Feelings of worthlessness and/or inappropriate guilt
• Diminished ability to concentrate
• Recurring thoughts of ending it all

Some of these symptoms may also indicate dysthymia—a mild but more chronic form of depression

* This list is presented to serve as an overview and not to provide a basis for making a self-diagnosis. Also, some of the symptoms by themselves may be symptoms of other problems besides depression.